Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Drunk is not a location!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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