Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
