uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
