He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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