He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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