Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
