ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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