If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
