Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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