I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
