Someone shit on the floor
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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