Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
