I'm lost and stupid without you.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
