I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
