I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Found your dick twin last night
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
