What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
