I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
