Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
