mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
