Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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