sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
