I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
