i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
