you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
