Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
