When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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