My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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