I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
