i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i out mim tonsoeep
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