Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
bring money and cleavage
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
