I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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