Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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