hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
