My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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