I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
