let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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