My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
