My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
