When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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