I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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