i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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