we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
