Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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