I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
