I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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