i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
