plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she smelled like a LAN party
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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