Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
