She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
