Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
