I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
