your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
