I wish my penis had an off switch
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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