My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
