So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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