I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
