The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
