I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
