I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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