I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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